LOOKOUT BROW BEATING

Surveying the WWWWW (the Wonderfully Weird World Wide Web) So You Don’t Have To

Compiled from press reports and thin air by

CLIFF D. WELLER, SAP (SENIOR ANIMAL PUNDIT) AND OHNA RIDGE, DUD (DIABOLICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED DAME)

(Cliff) Welcome baaaaaack, Ohna!

(Ohna) Jeez I hate when people try to imitate Arnold Swarzenwhatshisface. So cheesey. But thanks, Cliffie. Good to be off the road and on the job.

(C) Cliffie!?! You mean like the dork on Cheers who invented the internet with Al Gore and knows all the capitols of Asian nations and can name all the first ladies of the U. S. of A., and delivers the mail in his spare time? John Ratzenheimer?

(O) No. I mean the fabulously rich retired actor who has a boat bigger than Mississippi and a trophy wife with diamonds the size of gerbels, and who used to make more in a day than you make in... well, never. He hasn’t had to work in years.

(O) No. You have to work, you just don’t. Anyway, Cliffie, good to be back in the heart of the darkness. I meant no disrespect. I really haven’t had time to cruise the web lately. Plus I didn’t have a laptop on the road on which to do the cruisin.

[Editors note: At this point, first time readers may feel like they’ve been airlifted to Alpha Centauri 7 and dropped from 27,000 feet without benefit of a parachute. This is a bizarre conversation. To catch you up, Ohna and Cliff write this little space-taking column, for which I will be eternally grateful. They look around the World Wide Web to find “the rest of the story,” so me and you don’t have to. They sniff around the seamy underarm of life, and are particularly adept in tracking and reporting the latest exploits of a certain Brittanee Spears, for reasons too obscure to mention. Then they write about it. At least they did until Ohna got depressed over some silly snit over water control between the sovereign but silly states of Alabama, Georgia, and Florida and fled to Iowa, where, ironically, she arrived just in time this past spring for historic flooding that turned Iowa State University into the only college campus in America located on an island. For about 4 days. Onah tends to get most of her water out of Mountain Dew and cold beer, and says she can’t swim. So when the water went down she set out on a look-see of our great nation. The dry parts. Eventually she got down on her hands and knees and begged me for her job back. JUST KIDDING, OHNA!!! I actually offered her a sum of money that would make an exec. at Enron drool. She bit, is back, and here is their first column together in a long time. Y’all try to keep up so I don’t have to go through all this again. HM]

(O) Well, while I was out west the economy of our great nation hit the crapper. There hasn’t been this much bailing since the Titanic sprung a leak. I wish I was $8 tetragazzillion in debt. Then I could get the federal government to rescue me on account of I would be too valuable an assest to the country to let me go belly up like a shot toad in a gallon bucket. One thing about Uncle Sam is that he doesn’t like people to loose their ass(et)s. Especially if they are a mega-conglomerate-international-cartel that is operating for the sole benefit of a very small group of incredibly greedy rich people who are about to loose their ass(et)s.

(O) As far as I can tell, this is what happened, and this is what they are proposing to do about it: 1) A very large number of incompetently run companies, managed by a very small number of bad golfers, borrowed a blue bagillion dollars so they could buy each other’s assets. There is not much regulation these days. These guys self regulate themselves. This is somewhat like hiring a team of hungry chimps to guard the banana farm.

(O) 2) As their corporate boat was going down, the water suddenly filled with rats, I mean overpaid executives, squealing like, well drowning rats. Hideous. Ever heard a drowning rat screaming?

(O) Me neither, but I bet it ain’t funny. Anyway, these rats start squealing and Sam says, “Whoa!. We can’t let these little guys drown. If they drown we all get wet. Clearly we must save them.”

(O) No reason given. So, 3). We all pony up about $4,632.18 to save the rats, and we all live happily ever after, except for our great grandchildren who have to eventually pay it all back.

(O) No problem. I’ll feel better by next month. I got my laptop back from my neighbor, Tommy “The Wallet” Bangeoni, and I’m ready to cruise.

(O) He used to run Lehman Brothers.LV